I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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