my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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