You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
