so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
