Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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