There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
