Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
