I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
