I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
