Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I can't put those talents on a resume
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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