he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
