I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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