Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize