A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
