my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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