Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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