i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
