I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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