Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
