I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize