I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
