Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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