can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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