just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize