you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
wow bdsm is so cute
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
