we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
