Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
