Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
