We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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