I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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