proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
