my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
