You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
