just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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