Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
