I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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