he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
