Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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