I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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