Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
