I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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