life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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