Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
