dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
