Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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