You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
