Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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