I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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