my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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