i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
