My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
