my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
