Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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