i always forget guys have bellybuttons
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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