Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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