be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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