Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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