I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
