Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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