How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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