how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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