My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
