I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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