mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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