You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
