Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
