pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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