I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
