someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize