just come out here and I will go home with you...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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